Reflections on a year that seems to escape me....

Yesterday I was sparked by a conversation to ask myself a few questions. They all had to do with reflections upon my year as an intern at the Causeway Coast Vineyard Church in Northern Ireland. I started asking, what was the benefit of my time in Ireland? What did I take away? For those of you reading this who are from Norn Iron and whom I spent my time journeying out that year with, this question might seem obvious, but in retrospect I find myself stumbling to find answers.

I recently gave a little talk on my experience with Healing on the Streets to a church youth group and after that experience I started asking whether HOTS was the only thing I took away from my internship. To clarify, one of the reasons I am asking some of these questions is because of my personality where my natural inclination is to clarify, quantify, and understand things. I also think that it is a healthy thing to do, to find the meaning and value of past experiences and learn from them.

So, what did I take away, what was the benefit? -New knowledge about God and His kingdom? -An experience learning about healing and from doing HOTS? -A first hand knowledge of how to train people? -A new view of church from visiting so many different churches on my travels? -A group of friends, mentors, and people I love and respect? -Seeing what a healthy & transformative church community looks like? -A great experience?

I think the answer to most of these questions, to all of them, is yes. God did a lot and showed me an immense amount of things through those 10 months at CCV. I think that I am just wishing I could see the bigger picture of how this fits into my life and what it was all for. I admit to the position of most Americans who want to know the destination of where their going, our fascination with the future, without having to travel the road to get there. I’ve been a year removed from my second home, Northern Ireland, from my time at CCV, and I have yet to see the fruit, change, and transformation I was hoping for when I came home. I came home ruined for a reality of what can be normative in the Christian life that I have not been able to attain or see since leaving CCV. That ruining sparked a desire in me to want so much more in my life. But because at the moment I don’t see much of the fruit from my time at CCV, I feel like it was a glorified pit stop in my life. Don’t miss my heart when I say something like that, I wouldn’t trade what happened while I was in Northern Ireland and the people I know and love because of it for anything! I just find myself at in a place where I am asking, now what? Life just moves on? What about the dream for more? What happened to wanting to live out what I learned and experienced here in California? How can I do that?

While I am opening myself up to whoever reads this and letting them know where I’m at, I would also encourage anyone who would like to give me any feedback or input to please message me. I know that there is now quick fix or easy answer, but any encouragement, coaching, and outside perspective would be much appreciated.

And if there is anything you can do for me after reading this, please pray for me. Pray that God’s divine dream will be continue to be awakened in me and that He will open doors and give me ideas of how to live those dreams out, for me to give them expression and for them to find traction in my life and the lives of others. Please pray for me to find peace and grace for this season I am walking through here in California as I ask these types of questions and engage in normal life (work, school, family, etc.)
Thank you. God Bless.
-Ben