Reflections on a year that seems to escape me....

Yesterday I was sparked by a conversation to ask myself a few questions. They all had to do with reflections upon my year as an intern at the Causeway Coast Vineyard Church in Northern Ireland. I started asking, what was the benefit of my time in Ireland? What did I take away? For those of you reading this who are from Norn Iron and whom I spent my time journeying out that year with, this question might seem obvious, but in retrospect I find myself stumbling to find answers.

I recently gave a little talk on my experience with Healing on the Streets to a church youth group and after that experience I started asking whether HOTS was the only thing I took away from my internship. To clarify, one of the reasons I am asking some of these questions is because of my personality where my natural inclination is to clarify, quantify, and understand things. I also think that it is a healthy thing to do, to find the meaning and value of past experiences and learn from them.

So, what did I take away, what was the benefit? -New knowledge about God and His kingdom? -An experience learning about healing and from doing HOTS? -A first hand knowledge of how to train people? -A new view of church from visiting so many different churches on my travels? -A group of friends, mentors, and people I love and respect? -Seeing what a healthy & transformative church community looks like? -A great experience?

I think the answer to most of these questions, to all of them, is yes. God did a lot and showed me an immense amount of things through those 10 months at CCV. I think that I am just wishing I could see the bigger picture of how this fits into my life and what it was all for. I admit to the position of most Americans who want to know the destination of where their going, our fascination with the future, without having to travel the road to get there. I’ve been a year removed from my second home, Northern Ireland, from my time at CCV, and I have yet to see the fruit, change, and transformation I was hoping for when I came home. I came home ruined for a reality of what can be normative in the Christian life that I have not been able to attain or see since leaving CCV. That ruining sparked a desire in me to want so much more in my life. But because at the moment I don’t see much of the fruit from my time at CCV, I feel like it was a glorified pit stop in my life. Don’t miss my heart when I say something like that, I wouldn’t trade what happened while I was in Northern Ireland and the people I know and love because of it for anything! I just find myself at in a place where I am asking, now what? Life just moves on? What about the dream for more? What happened to wanting to live out what I learned and experienced here in California? How can I do that?

While I am opening myself up to whoever reads this and letting them know where I’m at, I would also encourage anyone who would like to give me any feedback or input to please message me. I know that there is now quick fix or easy answer, but any encouragement, coaching, and outside perspective would be much appreciated.

And if there is anything you can do for me after reading this, please pray for me. Pray that God’s divine dream will be continue to be awakened in me and that He will open doors and give me ideas of how to live those dreams out, for me to give them expression and for them to find traction in my life and the lives of others. Please pray for me to find peace and grace for this season I am walking through here in California as I ask these types of questions and engage in normal life (work, school, family, etc.)
Thank you. God Bless.
-Ben

Looking Up While Moving On...

My stomach twists,I feel sick,
Makes me wonder if I had ate a brick.
This feeling strange, unfamiliar, unknown,
It makes my heart ache and groan.
Or maybe the heart is the why,
The creator of these feelings that don't pass by.
They stir within me and give me no peace,
But I know that they will one day cease.
The day I return, I come back home
That day I make my heart known.
To the ones I love, the ones that I left,
We reunite without a moment bereft.
Loving, Laughing, Talking, Crying,
Every moment savored before flying.
And then the passing, it seemed to go so fast,
I am off to another land, but all the while wishing for the past.
The next step unnerving, hidden, and beyond knowing,
But is savored in the memory of my coming and going.
While looking to Him and holding tight,
Knowing Daddy's got me, even though it feels like my darkest night.
And forward I go, taking it one day at a time,
Giving my all but still remembering what I have behind.


It is beyond words. The feelings that I have for this place. The people, the church, and the things that have captured my heart.

Thank God for Northern Ireland! Thank you God for my time here... even though it was only a visit, it was the reconnection, love, fellowship, and joy that I needed. I love my coming and I hate my going. I will miss this place! I will miss my home!

Blessings upon blessings!
I love you all!
-Ben