Reflections on a year that seems to escape me....

Yesterday I was sparked by a conversation to ask myself a few questions. They all had to do with reflections upon my year as an intern at the Causeway Coast Vineyard Church in Northern Ireland. I started asking, what was the benefit of my time in Ireland? What did I take away? For those of you reading this who are from Norn Iron and whom I spent my time journeying out that year with, this question might seem obvious, but in retrospect I find myself stumbling to find answers.

I recently gave a little talk on my experience with Healing on the Streets to a church youth group and after that experience I started asking whether HOTS was the only thing I took away from my internship. To clarify, one of the reasons I am asking some of these questions is because of my personality where my natural inclination is to clarify, quantify, and understand things. I also think that it is a healthy thing to do, to find the meaning and value of past experiences and learn from them.

So, what did I take away, what was the benefit? -New knowledge about God and His kingdom? -An experience learning about healing and from doing HOTS? -A first hand knowledge of how to train people? -A new view of church from visiting so many different churches on my travels? -A group of friends, mentors, and people I love and respect? -Seeing what a healthy & transformative church community looks like? -A great experience?

I think the answer to most of these questions, to all of them, is yes. God did a lot and showed me an immense amount of things through those 10 months at CCV. I think that I am just wishing I could see the bigger picture of how this fits into my life and what it was all for. I admit to the position of most Americans who want to know the destination of where their going, our fascination with the future, without having to travel the road to get there. I’ve been a year removed from my second home, Northern Ireland, from my time at CCV, and I have yet to see the fruit, change, and transformation I was hoping for when I came home. I came home ruined for a reality of what can be normative in the Christian life that I have not been able to attain or see since leaving CCV. That ruining sparked a desire in me to want so much more in my life. But because at the moment I don’t see much of the fruit from my time at CCV, I feel like it was a glorified pit stop in my life. Don’t miss my heart when I say something like that, I wouldn’t trade what happened while I was in Northern Ireland and the people I know and love because of it for anything! I just find myself at in a place where I am asking, now what? Life just moves on? What about the dream for more? What happened to wanting to live out what I learned and experienced here in California? How can I do that?

While I am opening myself up to whoever reads this and letting them know where I’m at, I would also encourage anyone who would like to give me any feedback or input to please message me. I know that there is now quick fix or easy answer, but any encouragement, coaching, and outside perspective would be much appreciated.

And if there is anything you can do for me after reading this, please pray for me. Pray that God’s divine dream will be continue to be awakened in me and that He will open doors and give me ideas of how to live those dreams out, for me to give them expression and for them to find traction in my life and the lives of others. Please pray for me to find peace and grace for this season I am walking through here in California as I ask these types of questions and engage in normal life (work, school, family, etc.)
Thank you. God Bless.
-Ben

Looking Up While Moving On...

My stomach twists,I feel sick,
Makes me wonder if I had ate a brick.
This feeling strange, unfamiliar, unknown,
It makes my heart ache and groan.
Or maybe the heart is the why,
The creator of these feelings that don't pass by.
They stir within me and give me no peace,
But I know that they will one day cease.
The day I return, I come back home
That day I make my heart known.
To the ones I love, the ones that I left,
We reunite without a moment bereft.
Loving, Laughing, Talking, Crying,
Every moment savored before flying.
And then the passing, it seemed to go so fast,
I am off to another land, but all the while wishing for the past.
The next step unnerving, hidden, and beyond knowing,
But is savored in the memory of my coming and going.
While looking to Him and holding tight,
Knowing Daddy's got me, even though it feels like my darkest night.
And forward I go, taking it one day at a time,
Giving my all but still remembering what I have behind.


It is beyond words. The feelings that I have for this place. The people, the church, and the things that have captured my heart.

Thank God for Northern Ireland! Thank you God for my time here... even though it was only a visit, it was the reconnection, love, fellowship, and joy that I needed. I love my coming and I hate my going. I will miss this place! I will miss my home!

Blessings upon blessings!
I love you all!
-Ben

Giving Away....

Sadness courses through every vein
Losing someone who you wished to gain

Letting go of of what you never had
Running into the arms of dad

Making known the things of the heart
Can it ever give us a brand new start?

Its never easy letting go
Never wanting to watch, wait, or show

Those emotions inside that make you known,
Longing for the one you bemoan

And when its gone, all said and done
You will have given away what you wished you had won.


Saying goodbye is never easy, but it is the best thing to do sometimes. Even though you wish you had more time. You wish you would have gotten to become better friends. You wish you would have been able to share more of life's laughs, loves, and hardships together.
You want to know the other person as you know yourself. You wish the best for them while at the same time you never want them to leave.

I will miss you......

What if?

Can a dream change the world. Can one person driven by passion, a desire, or an idea make a difference in this ever expanding world. Is there hope for change, is there hope for a difference, is there hope for a revolution of the world. Can there be something that burns inside of someone that is so immense that it drives them and propels them forward into life not only for themselves, but for others. Could that person be me? What if I want to be that person? What makes me better or different from others? Why not them? Why me?

Is it the desire? Or the need for something more? Can I even comprehend or imagine what will happen if I pursue and go after the things upon my heart?

All in time. One day at a time. One step at a time. One person at time.

An idea can change the world. Because ideas do not die like we do with time. Ideas do not feel pain or bleed. Even though we can not hold an idea or even touch it, it lives on.

A New Way Of Looking At Things

To say the least, it has been hard being home. It has been huge time of transition and adjustment for me moving from N. Ireland to Southern California. I feel like I have become a bit more settled here, but there is still this feeling of mayhem. It's as if there are things that are settled around me, but not inside of me.
Since coming home I have gotten in touch with the school that I was hoping to go to and everything came together perfectly. I will now be attending Cal State Fullerton University in the Fall of 2009 for my freshmen year of college! It will be a big change and a challenging time for me getting back into school, but I know God will guide me every step of the way. Since being home and having all these things come together, I have received words about me being at school and me going to school, which has been extremely encouraging for me. It helps me become settled in my heart, knowing that this IS the place where God has brought me and that He IS in what I am doing.
So beyond school, all that I am trying to do now is get a job.

Thats whats been happening around me and with me lately, but here is what has been happening inside of me lately:

Ever since I have been home there has been a tension inside of me between what I have seen and experienced and what I am seeing and experiencing now. It is a tension between the past and the present.
In N. Ireland while I was doing my internship with CCV, everything was new and everything was a learning experience. Over the 10 months I was there I got to learn, see, experience, and grow exponitially in more things than I could have ever dreamed of. I was exposed to a culture and a way of life that has been so deeply engraved in me, that it has followed me here to California.
Before I came back to Southern California I foresaw a few things that I would be encountering and that would be a struggle for me to transition into. Now being home I have been engadging with those things and experiencing those struggles for over a month now. I have experienced times of lonliness, times of hopelessness, times where I wanted to go back to N. Ireland, and even times where I was angry and confused to why I was in So Cal. As I said at the beginning 'To say the least, it has been hard being home.'
Today I went and grabbed coffee with a friend and shared my experience and my heart that had been transformed by God in N. Ireland. I shared my struggles and some of the things that I was finding hard dealing with since being home. After sharing all the things that I had learned, grown in, and become acustomed to, my friend shared a bit of truth that I had lost in the mayhem of this past month. He opened my eyes to see things through a new lense. It has been hard for me to see what God has been doing here with me since I got home, but now I feel like I have a greater idea and purpose through what I now see.
When I was interning with the Causeway Coast Vineyard I was within a culture, a church, and around people that were very focused and driven for the purpose and the calling that God had put upon them. You know that saying, "some things are better caught than thought."? That is what I experienced in Northern Ireland. I feel like I have caught a vision and a calling that God has put on His church for the lost. And now coming back home where I am away from this environment and these people, the things that are within my heart are truly tested. My friend opened my eyes to see that some of the greatest fruit isn't during the time of learning, but it is during the time of testing; sometimes it is during those wilderness experiences that the most fruit comes. He showed me that now during the time where my heart and my mind is being tested and challenged is the time where I can see the true depth and worth of what I have recieved. That this time can be greater than the last.

That was a huge encouragement for me. It was the new perspective that I needed. It doesn't make any of the things that I am going to be facing easier, but it helps bring hope and expectancy to the journey.

Thanks for reading.

The Perfect Day

The Perfect Day. You don't get many of these in northern ireland. Hahaha! It is so beautiful here, so green, but what many people don't know is that the weather rarely is as sunny as good old california. So when it gets sunny, when that big ball of fire decides to show up in the sky, we all go outside and have a party. When the sun came out a few days ago, I just had to get out of the offices and go enjoy God's beauty. This day was truly like no other. Usually in portstewart (a city right on the northern atlantic coast) there is wind, if not a gale force wind. On this special day, not only were the skies clear and the sun out, but it was extremely quiet and calm. The wind wasn't even present. Than NEVER happens, so I just had to get outside and enjoy myself. I luckily had my camera with me and had a little bit of fun. It was so beautiful, more beautiful than my camera could capture. It is so amazing being drawn and pushed back to God in my mind and my spirit as I took in these stunning sights. It is by His grace that He reveals such amazing wonders to me. Thank you jesus for my sight!

Praise you Father!

Stevenage (St. Evenage)

My last trip with Mark.... :-( Sad but exciting at the same time. This weekend we are in Stevenage, England which is close to St. Albans where Samuel Lane lives and leads worship. It was a good weekend, but different at the same time. Everyone was excited, nervous, and some fearful about going out on the streets for the first time. We split the team in two because we had two separate locations where we were doing HOTS. The location I was at was a very hard location. There were a few regulations and things that the church wasn't allowed to do on the streets, like hand out leaflets, which made it a lot harder. The location I was at was tucked away in a little corner and it wasn't seen by the people walking by, so we didn't get much response from the public. God's presence was still there, but no one was sitting down. But even though people weren't sitting down at our location, people were getting prayer and sitting down at the other location. People were getting healed and touched by God's presence, love, and peace. The team was very encouraged and we got to share stories of what God had done which was faith lifting.

On most of my trips with Mark, after our saturday afternoon on the streets, we would go back to the place we were staying and relax and chill out for the rest of the day. This saturday evening I was invited to go with some of the team from Stevenage to a house warming party. So that evening I went to this house warming party and had such a fun time. I have always loved my travels with Mark; I love traveling and going different places and I really love meeting people. At this party I was blessed to meet some really amazing people. They were so loving and accepting to me, it really modeled such a loving community that I hope I can be able to give and show others. At the party, they were doing a BBQ and the main event of the night was watching Eurovision Contest. Eurovision is a singing contest that was created over 50 years ago who after the second world war to unite the countries of Europe. It was a hilarious time of critiquing all the performances done by each country that was in the contest. We judged each performance on 5 categories, song, lyrics, dress, and performance (dance, movement, etc). They also got extra points for special affects and key changes in their singing. It was a hilarious time and I must admit that I probably got a little too opinionated and shared too much about what I thought of each contesting countries performance.

Norway ended up winning, not on skill or performance at all. They were terrible, utterly horrible. Pish!!!!! I was appalled that they won, but I learned that Eurovision can be quite political (neighboring countries voting for each other, etc...). This trip and that night was an amazing experience and I will never forget my time here at St. Evenage (Stevenage). Hahah!

Lord bless this city. Bless everything they do out on their streets. Make your name known in this city! Use the people of the Stevenage Vineyard in huge ways. Bless them lord. May your favor be upon them. Amen.